Heart-on-display

This is the place I come to vent when things are good and when things are bad, when I feel myself wanting to let go of this life because it feels as if things are spiralling out of control.
I always know that there are better things out there that happiness is real and although I may at times have trouble finding it I know that happiness is always a definite possibility.
When my mood is dark and my thoughts as black as night I remember the happiness that made me smile and feel whole that once upon a time and I know that one day it will be back.

‘Hope’ isn’t it the saviour of all, without hope all is lost.

Right now I’m hurt, I’m angry, I’m sad.

But mostly I’m just hurt and things suck right now, but I will live. I have lived through worse.

A week or so back I was texting taken guy. He started paying me out about a guy that I was with who was a big mistake.

I have told him before that it was a topic that I didn't find amusing and that it was well "off limits". Apparently he didn't take much notice. So he was paying me out about it and I was getting angry and upset which I told him. He didn't think anything of it thought and continued on with it till I stoped replying. The next day he text me something like "hey grumpy bum" I was still upset about the night before and I wasn't in the mood to talk to him at the time which is pretty much what I told him.

That night I couldn't sleep, it just felt wrong the way I left things. It was 4am and this guy’s phone is always on silent. I thought that if I sent him a text that it wouldn't wake him up and that he would just get it in the morning. Apparently I was wrong. Not long after I got a text back. I’m thinking to myself "shit, shit, shit, omg, why did you do that you are a crazy person" (yes talking to myself in the third person, very healthy)

Well things didn't get better from there.

"Its 4am who texts someone at 4am" apparently a crazy person like me

"My phones always on you know that, of course it was gona wake me" so much for it being on silent

"I’ve been good to you, it annoys me when you get upset over nothing, it starts heaps of fights with 'gf' that I text you but I tell her that it’s important that you have someone to talk to, I hate it when you play games" WTF? Me playing games? You’re the one with the gf and if I was your gf I wouldn't like the way you keep touching me..

That is along the lines of what was said, I can't promise word for word as I have deleted the texts but what I wrote is pretty close... the italics were my thoughts not part of the conversation...


After that I thought that it was probably better that we weren’t friends, I don't want to be the reason they fight, most of all I don't like it that he thinks I’m playing games... so since then I have stoped texting him and only text him back if he wants to talk to me..


Why are things always so messy?

Ahh.... My emotions are all over the shop once again thanks to Taken Guy...

So I had an accident the other day ridding someone’s horse, it is the worst fall I have had though didn't tell my parents. My hip hurt quite a bit and I was hobbling around, so I went to taken guys place just to catch up and so my parents wouldn't catch on that I’d had the fall...

I don't know what’s going on, is it possible for him to be more attractive every time I see him??

Anyway he went and found me some clothes apparently I was going swimming with him. So we just talked and swam till his parents come home then I had dinner with them and we watched TV till it was late and his parents had gone to bed...

So we were just lying on the floor in his lounge room talking and sort of watching TV, him trying not to poke me too much cos I was in pain and occasionally running his hand through my hair.

Then all of a sudden he gets up holds out his hand to help me up, I think ok must be home time for me... so I "hobble" out to get my shoes he walks close behind me always too close… Touching... He walks me out to my car; I opened the door the interior light comes on.

"Aw look at all the beautiful start and you recked it" he says and sits on the boot of my car...

Ok I think, so I close the door.

I was cold and start to shiver, I didn't bring a jumper so I scan the back seat of my car looking for something warm and the light goes out...

"Are you cold?" my teeth are chattering "come here" he says...

So he holds me to him and we look at the stars and talk some more bout the constellations and a few shooting stars we see... but we don't make any wishes, I can't think what to wish for... He touches me running his hands down my sides and over my tummy.... Then when its time for me to leave he hugs me about three times before I get in my car and tells me to text him when I get home....

1. I’m confused
2. We are just friends???
3. He has a girlfriend...
4. I don't know what this is...
5. Maybe it’s nothing…
6. HELP =]

So people I need advice, what do you think about all of this?
Please leave comments...

Its 2am and I can’t sleep too many things on my mind mostly thoughts of ‘taken guy’. As you can guess he’s got a girlfriend so he’s pretty of limits but I have a huge crush on him, he’s roughly 3 years older than me and has a lot of female friends and I work with him from time to time.

I feel as thought I get a lot of mixed signals from him for example one night when we were just talking he kept pulling me down to lay on the floor with him then he was running his hand through my hair and touching my face while we were talking.
I’m smart enough not to get involved with him while he’s in a relationship but still I really like him.

I have met his girlfriend when we were working and after one day she’s jealous of me??? Now that day I looked pretty bogan, I was wearing shorts and hot pink long thick sock with boots and on a 40 degree day in a hot shed, as you can imagine not so glamorous.

A few days after he told me that that night she woke him at 1.30am to tell him she was going to ‘go have a chat’ with me and tell me to ‘back off’.
So while we were kinda on the subject I asked him about the above mentioned ‘incident’ (the touching) he tells me that’s just him.

He’s not sleazy or a player or anything like that; he’s a real gentleman a beautiful soul.

So for the moment he’s like my best friend we talk like every night. I know when he’s fighting with his girlfriend and he knows when my family’s falling off the rails again. It’s like I’m a mystery to him, he can’t quite figure me out.

So any advice is always welcome…

For now I suppose there’s nothing I can really do…

So I have been MIA (missing in action) for quite a while now your all probably wondering what happened to me. All I'm wondering is did you miss me??? I'm hoping so... =]

Well I have been doing a bit of soul searching as you do and a little more growing up. Things are looking up, I'm starting to make friends- most of them are boys and there nice to look at which is a bonus... I love the company, mostly it’s by text but it’s nice to just be able to talk to people...

Now I have a question for you all, I’m hoping maybe you can help me out...
I have been doing some TAFE courses and there is a new guy in the class and he has a major crush on me, you can practically see it from mars. Now after TAFE he asks me "what are you going to do now?” So I have been telling him that I'm going straight home, now home is a fair drive so its a good enough excuse for us to not have to hangout. But if I go down the street and I bump into him it’s going to be... Well strange and I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I’m not into him and don't find him attractive physically or mentally. I don't want to lead him on or get into any awkward positions and I have no idea what to do...
Do you have any ideas that might help me out?

Love is seems so long since I held you in my heart. I look but where do I find you. You’re not hiding under carpet or rock.

Are you there for the sudden moment that my heart stops as I gaze upon the young man whom I wish to befriend? Where do you hide, or do you just hibernate till things warm once more?

So many questions so little answers. I new love once, but our ending was not a fairy tale.

My eyes will be open tomorrow. My prince waits unknowingly.

Now where did I put those glass slippers???

When I was young I'd imagine the man of my dreams. I would try to think of everything and build an image in my mind of what he would be like, the way he'd act and the energy that he would radiate.

I was young, with not a care in the world but I didn't focus just on looks I thought about personality as well. Looking back on those days, I wounder what my younger self would have thought about my past relationships.

Only one was a real looker. The others were no real beauties. But there were things that I liked about there personalities or there smiles were so bright and there personalities shone through and looks just didn't matter anymore.

But the way I let some of these guys treat me. My younger self would never have aloud it. The man of my dreams never would have treated me in these ways but yet I let them walk all over me I no longer put myself first nor was I awarded first place in any of these people’s lives.

“The way I was treated by these people I loved was appalling; when I was younger I would not have played with them in the playground let alone think about entering into a romantic relationship with them.”

I’m glad this train of though stopped at my station. It’s given me a lot to think about. I’m going to go pick my standards up of the floor and maybe just maybe one day I'll meet my prince charming.

Well at least that’s what I wish upon those shooting stars.