Heart-on-display

Its official my brothers suck at being brothers. It there somewhere you can go to "hire" a brother or get brotherly advice? If there is please drop me a line. I would seriously love to know.

You see I could talk about this stuff with my girl friends but the problem is that they are worse at this “boy” stuff than I am and the thing about talking to girls is that you get a girls perspective. I already have one of them, I need the male perspective. I need some brotherly advice. Alas my brothers are letting me down in that department.

So,

Dear men,
Any advice you can grace my blog with would be appreciated.

Please feel free to comment on my posts or even follow my blog. It means a lot to me.

Thanks.

I want a guy/boyfriend, but at the same time I’m repulsed by the very idea.

Now don’t get me wrong I’m straight, I’m very straight. I know because I’ve considered batting for the other team quite a few times after becoming fed up with men and changing teams just isn’t an option for me (no matter how much I sometimes with it was).

I mean it would be great if I could I have some amazing friends we get along great. They are fun, don’t burp fart use foul language or other off putting or offensive gestures.

They are clean, neat, and beautiful and they are there when I need them. Unfortunately I like men. Who all too often are everything there not. Sometimes you’ll come across someone and he’ll surprise you, trouble is once you really like them you find out they have a girlfriend.

Then there are the “Nice Guys”. The guys that are nice but either is always the friend, can’t get or can’t keep a girlfriend. Now I have met quite a few of you. You probably have girls turn you down and say that you are “too nice” and you think “how can someone be too nice???” I never understood it either and then I met a couple of you and then I understood. Now I don’t mean to me mean, but I wouldn’t date you and honestly not a lot of girls would.

I’ve been asked out by a nice guy before, I turned him down. Probably if one or two things had been different I would have said yes.

He was always nervous around me. I don’t know why. Apparently he was never like it when I wasn’t around. But his nerves actually made me nervous and it made me feel unsafe. Which is weird because he’d be the last person that I would ever expect to hurt me. Also he didn’t flirt with me. I wished I was interested in him but I wasn’t and it sucked because he was an amazing guy.

So dear “Nice Guys” you are amazing and I would love it if you could evolve just a little bit. You know that guy who gets all the girls and is a dick to them (or some variation of the same) you should do some homework. Ignore what a jerk he is (trust me that is not what attracts them, at least not the smart ones) and figure out what it is that girls are attracted to, is he confident, charming or a good flirt…. Hell I bet on it he’s not clingy. It’s amazing how clingy guys can’t or don’t realise there clingy.

Then when you figure it out work on it “FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT” once you’ve done that please come find me. (I may just be hiding under a rock some where)

Alone, I feel the weight of it as it sinks in.
There is an urge to check my phone as I pull the covers over me and I resist because I know that there will be nothing there.
There is no one to message goodnight just because I can. It saddens my heart because all I want is a hug. Its Christmas night and I have no one to call mine.
I’m alone. But I’m ok, I know who I am, I know what I need and I’m slowly working out what I want.

Once when I was younger my mother told me that I would be beating guys of with a stick once I'd turned a little older. I never believed her, but now I’m contemplating looking for a sturdy stick.

A couple of weeks ago I got dumped by my bf. I was shocked completely and utterly shocked. I didn’t see it coming. He gave me the old line “trust me its not you it’s me”. I was shattered. I wondered why, because I know that I am amazing and maybe that sounds vein but when you repeatedly pick yourself up of the floor and rebuild you self confidence back up brick by brick a couple of times you start to realise your self worth. I felt like shit. One thought kept coming to mind “when he counts the girlfriends he’s had he wont count me, he doesn’t count relationships that last less than a month, I’m amazing and he won’t count me”.

Needless to say I was not in the mood for going out because there always seems to be someone trying to pick me up. So I thought I would be safe going out to a local Christmas get together there would be all couples with kids and I wouldn’t have to worry about anyone. I was wrong. There happened to be a French guy there, he was a couple of years older than me but not much. Well he was interested in me and asked me for my number he had a very strong accent and his English skills on the poor side so needless to say some things got lost in translation.

Since then the universe seems to be throwing men at me. I’m waiting for one to take my fancy. I seem to have one guy texting me every day or so like he’s checking up on me, making sure I haven’t disappeared but just standing by. I’m starting to wonder if there is some kind of signal I have to give him, as I type this I’m searching my desk for a flare gun..

This is the place I come to vent when things are good and when things are bad, when I feel myself wanting to let go of this life because it feels as if things are spiralling out of control.
I always know that there are better things out there that happiness is real and although I may at times have trouble finding it I know that happiness is always a definite possibility.
When my mood is dark and my thoughts as black as night I remember the happiness that made me smile and feel whole that once upon a time and I know that one day it will be back.

‘Hope’ isn’t it the saviour of all, without hope all is lost.

Right now I’m hurt, I’m angry, I’m sad.

But mostly I’m just hurt and things suck right now, but I will live. I have lived through worse.

A week or so back I was texting taken guy. He started paying me out about a guy that I was with who was a big mistake.

I have told him before that it was a topic that I didn't find amusing and that it was well "off limits". Apparently he didn't take much notice. So he was paying me out about it and I was getting angry and upset which I told him. He didn't think anything of it thought and continued on with it till I stoped replying. The next day he text me something like "hey grumpy bum" I was still upset about the night before and I wasn't in the mood to talk to him at the time which is pretty much what I told him.

That night I couldn't sleep, it just felt wrong the way I left things. It was 4am and this guy’s phone is always on silent. I thought that if I sent him a text that it wouldn't wake him up and that he would just get it in the morning. Apparently I was wrong. Not long after I got a text back. I’m thinking to myself "shit, shit, shit, omg, why did you do that you are a crazy person" (yes talking to myself in the third person, very healthy)

Well things didn't get better from there.

"Its 4am who texts someone at 4am" apparently a crazy person like me

"My phones always on you know that, of course it was gona wake me" so much for it being on silent

"I’ve been good to you, it annoys me when you get upset over nothing, it starts heaps of fights with 'gf' that I text you but I tell her that it’s important that you have someone to talk to, I hate it when you play games" WTF? Me playing games? You’re the one with the gf and if I was your gf I wouldn't like the way you keep touching me..

That is along the lines of what was said, I can't promise word for word as I have deleted the texts but what I wrote is pretty close... the italics were my thoughts not part of the conversation...


After that I thought that it was probably better that we weren’t friends, I don't want to be the reason they fight, most of all I don't like it that he thinks I’m playing games... so since then I have stoped texting him and only text him back if he wants to talk to me..


Why are things always so messy?

Ahh.... My emotions are all over the shop once again thanks to Taken Guy...

So I had an accident the other day ridding someone’s horse, it is the worst fall I have had though didn't tell my parents. My hip hurt quite a bit and I was hobbling around, so I went to taken guys place just to catch up and so my parents wouldn't catch on that I’d had the fall...

I don't know what’s going on, is it possible for him to be more attractive every time I see him??

Anyway he went and found me some clothes apparently I was going swimming with him. So we just talked and swam till his parents come home then I had dinner with them and we watched TV till it was late and his parents had gone to bed...

So we were just lying on the floor in his lounge room talking and sort of watching TV, him trying not to poke me too much cos I was in pain and occasionally running his hand through my hair.

Then all of a sudden he gets up holds out his hand to help me up, I think ok must be home time for me... so I "hobble" out to get my shoes he walks close behind me always too close… Touching... He walks me out to my car; I opened the door the interior light comes on.

"Aw look at all the beautiful start and you recked it" he says and sits on the boot of my car...

Ok I think, so I close the door.

I was cold and start to shiver, I didn't bring a jumper so I scan the back seat of my car looking for something warm and the light goes out...

"Are you cold?" my teeth are chattering "come here" he says...

So he holds me to him and we look at the stars and talk some more bout the constellations and a few shooting stars we see... but we don't make any wishes, I can't think what to wish for... He touches me running his hands down my sides and over my tummy.... Then when its time for me to leave he hugs me about three times before I get in my car and tells me to text him when I get home....

1. I’m confused
2. We are just friends???
3. He has a girlfriend...
4. I don't know what this is...
5. Maybe it’s nothing…
6. HELP =]

So people I need advice, what do you think about all of this?
Please leave comments...

Its 2am and I can’t sleep too many things on my mind mostly thoughts of ‘taken guy’. As you can guess he’s got a girlfriend so he’s pretty of limits but I have a huge crush on him, he’s roughly 3 years older than me and has a lot of female friends and I work with him from time to time.

I feel as thought I get a lot of mixed signals from him for example one night when we were just talking he kept pulling me down to lay on the floor with him then he was running his hand through my hair and touching my face while we were talking.
I’m smart enough not to get involved with him while he’s in a relationship but still I really like him.

I have met his girlfriend when we were working and after one day she’s jealous of me??? Now that day I looked pretty bogan, I was wearing shorts and hot pink long thick sock with boots and on a 40 degree day in a hot shed, as you can imagine not so glamorous.

A few days after he told me that that night she woke him at 1.30am to tell him she was going to ‘go have a chat’ with me and tell me to ‘back off’.
So while we were kinda on the subject I asked him about the above mentioned ‘incident’ (the touching) he tells me that’s just him.

He’s not sleazy or a player or anything like that; he’s a real gentleman a beautiful soul.

So for the moment he’s like my best friend we talk like every night. I know when he’s fighting with his girlfriend and he knows when my family’s falling off the rails again. It’s like I’m a mystery to him, he can’t quite figure me out.

So any advice is always welcome…

For now I suppose there’s nothing I can really do…