Heart-on-display

Ok so as you may have noticed I like to use “code names” on my blog. They are a little bit random but that’s how I like it and at least you can keep up with all the different boys I’m talking about.

So I have been talking with this boy lately and I have a feeling he will probably feature in my blog a little bit every now and then. His code name “Mr catfish” a stroke of genius I know *takes bow*.

Anyway Mr Catfish and I have been talking for about a year now on and off. He’s asked me to “go out with him/ be his girlfriend” twice each time I was coming out of a relationship. The first time I didn’t really give him an answer because I’d been asked on a couple of dates with another guy and Mr Catfish hasn’t even hung out with me in person. The second time because I’d just been dumped and I really wasn’t in the mood for being in another relationship or boyfriend hopping I turned him down just saying that I needed to be single for a while.

We get along alright, we mostly just text or talk on facebook chat or msn sometimes we even do video calls. He has admitted to having feelings for me in a roundabout way but he won’t ask me out. He asked me to have a sleep over with him which I said no to as I know sleepovers usually mean sex and if any of you girls out there think other wise then you will probably have a rude awakening.

In other words, no that is not a flash light in his pocket and yes he is happy to see you, but that is probably only because he wants something and your co-operation is required for that something to happen.

Mr Catfish and I were talking the other day and the conversation touched on “bed buddies” and he got a bit excited about this. “Bed Buddies/ Friends with benefits” is generally when two people have agreed to use each other for the purpose of sex.

I have nothing against sex but it’s not what I want at the moment I need something that’s more. I’d rather have someone who’s loyal and dependable. Who is there because they want to be and who enjoys talking to me.

Not someone who has sex with you then disappears for 2 weeks only to show up again and continue the pattern. That’s not the kind of life I want, I don’t enjoy nor do I want to be treated like a piece of meat. I have had some experience with this in the past and it was no fun for me and I hated it. I’m really not interested in doing it again.

So for the moment I like Mr Catfish and he likes me. But I have little hope that anything will ever happen which is a bit of a pity. For now it looks like we’ll just be friends but that’s an outcome that I can live.

Any advice is always welcome.

Its official my brothers suck at being brothers. It there somewhere you can go to "hire" a brother or get brotherly advice? If there is please drop me a line. I would seriously love to know.

You see I could talk about this stuff with my girl friends but the problem is that they are worse at this “boy” stuff than I am and the thing about talking to girls is that you get a girls perspective. I already have one of them, I need the male perspective. I need some brotherly advice. Alas my brothers are letting me down in that department.

So,

Dear men,
Any advice you can grace my blog with would be appreciated.

Please feel free to comment on my posts or even follow my blog. It means a lot to me.

Thanks.

I want a guy/boyfriend, but at the same time I’m repulsed by the very idea.

Now don’t get me wrong I’m straight, I’m very straight. I know because I’ve considered batting for the other team quite a few times after becoming fed up with men and changing teams just isn’t an option for me (no matter how much I sometimes with it was).

I mean it would be great if I could I have some amazing friends we get along great. They are fun, don’t burp fart use foul language or other off putting or offensive gestures.

They are clean, neat, and beautiful and they are there when I need them. Unfortunately I like men. Who all too often are everything there not. Sometimes you’ll come across someone and he’ll surprise you, trouble is once you really like them you find out they have a girlfriend.

Then there are the “Nice Guys”. The guys that are nice but either is always the friend, can’t get or can’t keep a girlfriend. Now I have met quite a few of you. You probably have girls turn you down and say that you are “too nice” and you think “how can someone be too nice???” I never understood it either and then I met a couple of you and then I understood. Now I don’t mean to me mean, but I wouldn’t date you and honestly not a lot of girls would.

I’ve been asked out by a nice guy before, I turned him down. Probably if one or two things had been different I would have said yes.

He was always nervous around me. I don’t know why. Apparently he was never like it when I wasn’t around. But his nerves actually made me nervous and it made me feel unsafe. Which is weird because he’d be the last person that I would ever expect to hurt me. Also he didn’t flirt with me. I wished I was interested in him but I wasn’t and it sucked because he was an amazing guy.

So dear “Nice Guys” you are amazing and I would love it if you could evolve just a little bit. You know that guy who gets all the girls and is a dick to them (or some variation of the same) you should do some homework. Ignore what a jerk he is (trust me that is not what attracts them, at least not the smart ones) and figure out what it is that girls are attracted to, is he confident, charming or a good flirt…. Hell I bet on it he’s not clingy. It’s amazing how clingy guys can’t or don’t realise there clingy.

Then when you figure it out work on it “FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT” once you’ve done that please come find me. (I may just be hiding under a rock some where)

Alone, I feel the weight of it as it sinks in.
There is an urge to check my phone as I pull the covers over me and I resist because I know that there will be nothing there.
There is no one to message goodnight just because I can. It saddens my heart because all I want is a hug. Its Christmas night and I have no one to call mine.
I’m alone. But I’m ok, I know who I am, I know what I need and I’m slowly working out what I want.

Once when I was younger my mother told me that I would be beating guys of with a stick once I'd turned a little older. I never believed her, but now I’m contemplating looking for a sturdy stick.

A couple of weeks ago I got dumped by my bf. I was shocked completely and utterly shocked. I didn’t see it coming. He gave me the old line “trust me its not you it’s me”. I was shattered. I wondered why, because I know that I am amazing and maybe that sounds vein but when you repeatedly pick yourself up of the floor and rebuild you self confidence back up brick by brick a couple of times you start to realise your self worth. I felt like shit. One thought kept coming to mind “when he counts the girlfriends he’s had he wont count me, he doesn’t count relationships that last less than a month, I’m amazing and he won’t count me”.

Needless to say I was not in the mood for going out because there always seems to be someone trying to pick me up. So I thought I would be safe going out to a local Christmas get together there would be all couples with kids and I wouldn’t have to worry about anyone. I was wrong. There happened to be a French guy there, he was a couple of years older than me but not much. Well he was interested in me and asked me for my number he had a very strong accent and his English skills on the poor side so needless to say some things got lost in translation.

Since then the universe seems to be throwing men at me. I’m waiting for one to take my fancy. I seem to have one guy texting me every day or so like he’s checking up on me, making sure I haven’t disappeared but just standing by. I’m starting to wonder if there is some kind of signal I have to give him, as I type this I’m searching my desk for a flare gun..

This is the place I come to vent when things are good and when things are bad, when I feel myself wanting to let go of this life because it feels as if things are spiralling out of control.
I always know that there are better things out there that happiness is real and although I may at times have trouble finding it I know that happiness is always a definite possibility.
When my mood is dark and my thoughts as black as night I remember the happiness that made me smile and feel whole that once upon a time and I know that one day it will be back.

‘Hope’ isn’t it the saviour of all, without hope all is lost.

Right now I’m hurt, I’m angry, I’m sad.

But mostly I’m just hurt and things suck right now, but I will live. I have lived through worse.

A week or so back I was texting taken guy. He started paying me out about a guy that I was with who was a big mistake.

I have told him before that it was a topic that I didn't find amusing and that it was well "off limits". Apparently he didn't take much notice. So he was paying me out about it and I was getting angry and upset which I told him. He didn't think anything of it thought and continued on with it till I stoped replying. The next day he text me something like "hey grumpy bum" I was still upset about the night before and I wasn't in the mood to talk to him at the time which is pretty much what I told him.

That night I couldn't sleep, it just felt wrong the way I left things. It was 4am and this guy’s phone is always on silent. I thought that if I sent him a text that it wouldn't wake him up and that he would just get it in the morning. Apparently I was wrong. Not long after I got a text back. I’m thinking to myself "shit, shit, shit, omg, why did you do that you are a crazy person" (yes talking to myself in the third person, very healthy)

Well things didn't get better from there.

"Its 4am who texts someone at 4am" apparently a crazy person like me

"My phones always on you know that, of course it was gona wake me" so much for it being on silent

"I’ve been good to you, it annoys me when you get upset over nothing, it starts heaps of fights with 'gf' that I text you but I tell her that it’s important that you have someone to talk to, I hate it when you play games" WTF? Me playing games? You’re the one with the gf and if I was your gf I wouldn't like the way you keep touching me..

That is along the lines of what was said, I can't promise word for word as I have deleted the texts but what I wrote is pretty close... the italics were my thoughts not part of the conversation...


After that I thought that it was probably better that we weren’t friends, I don't want to be the reason they fight, most of all I don't like it that he thinks I’m playing games... so since then I have stoped texting him and only text him back if he wants to talk to me..


Why are things always so messy?